When Back-to-School Anxiety Belongs to the Parent

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It is back-to-school time, which for a lot of parents means you have spent the last few weeks trying to find everything on a school supply list that seems to get longer, more expensive, and more specific every year. Getting a child ready to go back to school can be stressful before they ever walk through the school doors.

Eventually  you've bought the backpack, found the right folders, figured out clothes and shoes, filled out the forms, paid the fees, worked out lunches, and tried to remember seventeen other things that simply must be done before the first day. And, that's assuming you could afford everything on the list in the first place.

That's often when the focus of the anxiety changes from “Do they have everything they need?” to “Are they going to be okay when I'm not there?”

 Sending Them Out Into the World

When we send our children to school, we are trusting an incredible number of people with them. We trust the bus driver and the other drivers on the road. We trust teachers, administrators, school staff, coaches, after-school programs, other children, and other parents. As our children get older, we also have to increasingly trust them. That's a lot of trust.

For some parents, even getting their child to and from school is complicated. Maybe you drive them, maybe they ride the bus, maybe someone else transports them, or maybe they walk home. A lot of parents can't be standing at the bus stop when their child gets home. They can't leave work every afternoon to meet them. They may have to rely on an older sibling, a neighbor, an after-school program, or simply trust that their child can get home and follow the plan you've made together.

Even when you know your child is capable, there can be a little voice that says, “I should be there.” Sometimes that becomes, “If I were a better parent, I would be there.” 

I want to challenge that. Being unable to personally supervise every transition in your child's day does not mean you are failing them. Parenting has always required us to trust other people, and it has always required us, eventually, to trust our children.

That doesn't mean it's easy.

 Because Some of the Things You're Afraid of Are Real

This is where conversations about anxiety can sometimes go wrong. I am not going to tell you that everything you're worried about is irrational.

Parents worry about school shootings, bullying, discrimination, drugs, social media, mental health, car accidents, what happens on the bus, whether their child has friends, whether someone will hurt them, and whether they'll tell you if something does happen. Those things are possible, and pretending otherwise probably isn't going to make you feel better.

The problem comes when our nervous system begins turning possibility into probability. Something could happen becomes something is going to happen. The bus is late becomes “Something must have happened!” “I can't be there,” becomes “I'm not protecting my child.” They haven't answered me becomes “Something is wrong.”

Anxiety is very good at taking uncertainty and filling in the blank with the things we fear most. So the goal isn't to convince yourself that nothing bad could ever happen. The goal is learning how to live with the fact that you cannot know everything that is happening every minute your child is away from you. That's harder, but it's also something we can practice.

 Start With the Things You Can Do

Before we talk about managing anxiety, let's acknowledge that information and preparation can help. Know how to contact your child's teacher and school administration, and sign up for school and district alerts if they're available. Go to orientation, open house, or meet-the-teacher events when you can. Sometimes simply knowing the people and seeing the place where your child spends their day makes it feel a little less unknown.

Know the transportation plan and talk about what happens if the bus is late, missed, or doesn't arrive where expected. Make sure your child knows who they can go to if they need help, and talk about emergencies in a way that is appropriate for your child's age. If you aren't able to be home when your child arrives, decide together how you will know they've gotten there safely. What that looks like will be different for every family.

You can also decide ahead of time when something warrants action. Maybe if the bus is more than a certain number of minutes late, you'll call. Maybe if you haven't heard from your child by the time you agreed upon, you have a specific next step. Having a plan gives your brain something concrete to follow instead of asking an anxious nervous system to make decisions when it is already convinced something is wrong.

Then there comes a point when you've done what you reasonably can, and you still have to let them go.

What Happens When You've Done What You Can and You're Still Anxious?

This is where we work with our own nervous system. You might notice that you want to check the school app again, look at the bus tracker one more time, text your older child even though you just texted them, keep checking the news, or run through scenarios and rehearse what you would do if something happened.

Those things can make us feel better for a minute. The problem is that sometimes the relief teaches our nervous system that checking was what kept us safe. So the next time we're anxious, we check again and get another little bit of relief. Before long, checking can become the thing we rely on to manage the anxiety rather than something we do because we actually need information.

Instead, try waiting a little while. Not forever, and not because you aren't allowed to check on your child. Just long enough to notice the discomfort without immediately trying to make it disappear. Put your feet on the floor, slow your breathing—particularly your exhale—and look around the room you're actually in.

Then ask yourself, “What do I know right now?”

Not what could happen, what happened somewhere else, or what your mind can imagine. What do you actually know? Right now? Maybe the answer is, “I dropped my child off at school. I watched them walk inside. I haven't received an alert from the school. My child is where they're supposed to be, and right now, they are safe. I am safe*

That doesn't guarantee what will happen for the rest of the day, and that's not what we're trying to do. We're helping your nervous system learn the difference between something could happen and something is happening right now.

Possibility Is Not Probability

This may be one of the hardest lessons anxiety asks us to learn. Something being possible does not make it probable. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but uncomfortable does not always mean unsafe.

Sometimes we need to practice allowing that discomfort to exist without immediately doing something to make it go away. Maybe you wait five minutes before checking. Maybe you notice the thought, “Something has happened” and answer it with “I don't have evidence of that right now.” Maybe you take a few slow breaths and let the feeling rise and fall.

Every time you do that, you're practicing something important. You're learning,

I didn't know for a while, and I was still okay.

 Over time, that can become, “I can take reasonable precautions. I can respond when something actually requires my attention. And, I can trust myself to tolerate the space in between.”

That's very different from pretending the world is perfectly safe. It isn't. It's learning that you don't have to live as though the worst thing that could happen is already happening.

You Don't Have to Stop Caring

If you're anxious when your child goes back to school, it doesn't mean you're doing parenting wrong. Someone you love more than anything is out in the world without you. Of course your nervous system may have something to say about that.

The goal isn't to become a parent who doesn't worry, and we're certainly not asking you to care one bit less. We're helping you learn how to carry the caring differently.

If the worry follows you through your entire day, if you're constantly checking for reassurance, if every notification makes your stomach drop, or if fear is beginning to shape what you or your family can comfortably do, it may be worth getting some support for you, too.

At Healing Springs Counseling, we can help you understand what your nervous system is responding to, learn ways to tolerate uncertainty, challenge the places where possibility has started to feel like probability, and build greater trust in your ability to handle what actually comes.

Because your child isn't the only person making a transition this school year.

You are, too.

If this feels familiar or relevant in your life, you don't have to face it alone. We're here to support you. We encourage you to reach out by phone, email, or through the contact form on this site.