The Hard Stuff

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I have never been a confrontational person. I avoid it at all costs and feel afraid if I even sense it heading my way. There are many reasons for this. While I am aware of them, my default choice is to be passive instead of talking about a hard subject. I am working on it, but I still have a long way to go.

Recently I had the opportunity to do this differently. A friend let me know that I had done something that hurt her deeply and she wanted to talk about it. Face-to-face. No text. No phone. In the same room. Talking.

I was immediately in my “naw, hell naw” place of survival and had no idea what I should do. This friend is like family to me and is one of the oldest friends I have in my life. This relationship is not something I take lightly and I did not want to lose it. So, I journaled about it, and cried a little, and talked to my partner about it. Eventually, I realized that the only way forward was through.

And, you know what? It was all ok.

It was difficult at first. I found myself defending myself and reminding myself to stay quiet and listen as she was telling me her experience of the situation. I am lucky that this friend is well-versed in this stuff. She knows how to talk through it and create real intimacy with the people she loves. I realized that this is what it boils down to, trusting someone enough to tell them how you really feel; taking the chance that they may not be willing to talk about it. Yet, as we moved through several hours of discussing it, I found myself loving her more than I had before, which I did not know was possible, and that is the definition of intimacy in its purest form, isn’t it?

If you are someone who avoids conflict, I encourage you to examine why and become aware of that first. If it is fear, trauma, old patterns, then recognize that. Write or talk your way through how that is affecting you and what you may unknowingly be bringing to the situation. Once you have done that, think about what facing the conflict will look like and what you are hoping the outcome will be. You can consider “your side” of the story but realize that you are there to listen and take in what the other person is saying, not to pull a Perry Mason and defend yourself.

Once you are in the conversation, really listen and think about if the concern was reversed how it might make you feel. Do your best to take in all the information and then ask if you can offer your side. As you speak your truth stay away from accusatory or triggering language, keep it simple and to the point. If at this phase you both are ready to keep talking then work together to figure out how to avoid this happening again; talk with one another about what steps you each will take to prevent it. Then, hopefully, you will be in a space to hug it out or whatever feels right.

I am grateful that my friend gave me the opportunity to do a hard thing. I am confident that I can do it again if I need to, but I am also assured that my awareness of my behavior will inform my future choices. I know that I learned a new way of dealing with confrontation and difficult discussions and I hope what I have learned can help you.

As always, I encourage you to reach out by phone, email, or through the contact form on this site if Healing Springs can help you navigate the difficult patches in life, or to feel more confident facing the hard stuff. We are all on this journey together!